Dog for sale

[Number 1 Jasper]

DOG FOR SALE
A man sees a sign outside a house -
'Talking Dog For Sale .'
He rings the bell, the owner appears...
And tells him the dog can be viewed in the back garden.
The man sees a very nice looking Labrador Retriever sitting there.
"Do you really talk?" he asks the dog.
"Yes," the Labrador replies.
After recovering from the shock of hearing the dog talk,
The man asks, "So, tell me your story."
The Labrador looks up and says,
"Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young.
I wanted to help the government, so I told the Secret Service.
In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country
Sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders.
Because no one imagined that a dog would be eavesdropping,
I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years."

"But the jetting around really tired me out,
And I knew I wasn't getting any younger
So I decided to settle down.
I signed up for a job at Heathrow Airport
To do some undercover security work,
Wandering near suspicious characters and listening in.
I uncovered some incredible dealings
And was awarded several medals.
I got married, had a few puppies, and now I've just retired."
The man was amazed
He goes back into the house and asks the owner
How much he wants for the dog.
"Ten quid," the owner says.
"£10.....!!? But this dog is absolutely amazing!
Why on earth are you selling him so cheaply?"
"Because he's a lying bastard,
He's never been out of the garden."



*** Pretty sure I have posted this before but it made me laugh again ***

[Ziggy Sawdust]

Well worth seeing again. It's good to laugh. Similar joke to the pig with 3 legs.

[Number 1 Jasper]

Well worth seeing again. It's good to laugh. Similar joke to the pig with 3 legs.

Do tell

[Ziggy Sawdust]

Well worth seeing again. It's good to laugh. Similar joke to the pig with 3 legs.

Do tell

I found the the American version.

A travelling salesman trying to make a buck was driving through the plains of Nebraska when he decided to stop at a farmhouse coming up on his left. As he was walking up the driveway toward the front door of the house, a pig with three legs caught his eye. It was just hobbling through the grass. When the farmer answered the door and asked what he was selling, the salesman first asked about the three legged pig.

"That pig is the most amazing pig in the land, son." The farmer said "Last year, our house caught fire when we were all asleep and that pig ran in and woke us all up one by one and saved our lives!"

The salesman was surprised. "That is one special pig!" he said. The Farmer replied, "That's not all. Last summer, that pig jumped into the pond and dragged my drowning son to safety. He would have died."

The salesman was in disbelief as to how incredible this pig was. "One question. Why does he have 3 legs, is it from the fire?"

"No son, ya see, a pig like that you just don't eat all at one time."

[Number 1 Jasper]

Well worth seeing again. It's good to laugh. Similar joke to the pig with 3 legs.

Do tell

I found the the American version.

A travelling salesman trying to make a buck was driving through the plains of Nebraska when he decided to stop at a farmhouse coming up on his left. As he was walking up the driveway toward the front door of the house, a pig with three legs caught his eye. It was just hobbling through the grass. When the farmer answered the door and asked what he was selling, the salesman first asked about the three legged pig.

"That pig is the most amazing pig in the land, son." The farmer said "Last year, our house caught fire when we were all asleep and that pig ran in and woke us all up one by one and saved our lives!"

The salesman was surprised. "That is one special pig!" he said. The Farmer replied, "That's not all. Last summer, that pig jumped into the pond and dragged my drowning son to safety. He would have died."

The salesman was in disbelief as to how incredible this pig was. "One question. Why does he have 3 legs, is it from the fire?"

"No son, ya see, a pig like that you just don't eat all at one time."

[The Cincinnati Kid]

A woman decided to learn to play golf, and went out for a round with her girlfriends. When she came home, her husband asked her how it was. "It was great," she said, "but I got stung by a bee between the 1st and 2nd hole."

"Sounds like your stance is too wide," .

[miltoninLA]

Last night my daughter said that she's going to a party and would I do her homework for her.
I said it wouldn't be right.
She said, "maybe not; but give it a try anyway!"

[Earl Grey]

Last night my daughter said that she's going to a party and would I do her homework for her.
I said it wouldn't be right.
She said, "maybe not; but give it a try anyway!"

Snigger.....I like that.

An old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow." The next day the old man reappeared at the doctor's and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained. "Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. We even called up the lady next door and she tried with both hands too but still nothing."
The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbour?"
The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open."

[The Cincinnati Kid]

A Dude from Poland is visiting the USA and went for an eye check up.

The Doctor shows the letters on the board: CZWXNQSTAZKY

Doctor: Can you read this ?

Dude: Read it?!?! I know the guy, he's my cousin.

[Ziggy Sawdust]

Irish Text Message

"Mary, I'm just having one more pint with the lads. If I'm not home in 20 minutes, read this message again."