A message from the Queen

[No Shot Sherlock]

To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II. In light of your failure to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.) 
 
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except North Dakota, which she does not fancy). 
 
Your new Prime Minister, Theresa May, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections. 
 
Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. 
 
To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
 
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1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.' Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary'). 
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2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination of '-ize.' 
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3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday. 
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4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse. 
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5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public. 
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6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour. 
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7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it. 
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8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French Fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup, but with vinegar. 
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9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable, as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion. 
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10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialect in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater. 
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11. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies). 
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12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries. 
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13.. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad. 
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14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776). 
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15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season. 
 
God Save the Queen! 
 
PS: Only share this with friends who have a good sense of humour (NOT humor)

[pomp 'n circumstance]

From the rather posh office what I have in Buck House, I hope my loyal subjects will realise that I am the victim of some fearful little oik who has, to use a phrase that I am given to understand, means that I haf been 'hacked'. And this, whilst I am away in mein country residence at Balmoral mit Phil the Greek und has a First Minister who earns her living as a Krankie and an electorate who cover their McFaces in wode und das men wear skirts. I am not amused, und mein spellcheck has also been switched orf und mein private lidl chats mit das Angular Meercat haf bin das subject.....vell das ist allus....... (the rest of this message lost in cyber noises and jamming from Cheltenham!)

[past memories]

Is that Aldi needs to say.

[Locky_McLockface]

From the rather posh office what I have in Buck House, I hope my loyal subjects will realise that I am the victim of some fearful little oik who has, to use a phrase that I am given to understand, means that I haf been 'hacked'. And this, whilst I am away in mein country residence at Balmoral mit Phil the Greek und has a First Minister who earns her living as a Krankie and an electorate who cover their McFaces in wode und das men wear skirts. I am not amused, und mein spellcheck has also been switched orf und mein private lidl chats mit das Angular Meercat haf bin das subject.....vell das ist allus....... (the rest of this message lost in cyber noises and jamming from Cheltenham!)

[miltoninLA]

Thanks, made me laff. (and believe, well ... up to the "proper cups" comment.)

[The Cincinnati Kid]

All that sounds good....we'll build a wall too....and make France pay for it......we'll make Bwitain great again!

Trust me.

[Earl Grey]

All that sounds good....we'll build a wall too....and make France pay for it......we'll make Bwitain great again!

Trust me.

Well we're paying the French consortium a shed load of money to build a nuclear power station so I think it's only fair they pay for a wall of Trumpian proportions to keep all-comers out.

Indeed Brexit is all part of the master plan to allocate the UK a stake as State #51 of the US of A.....and then we can build a huge wall stretching from around Hawaii, via Alaska and the USA and looping around the British Isles to keep every undesirable out! Not sure what we do about the ROI though. Also you'd have to think about including all those dependencies of the UK and USA....could make the border a bit of a monster by the time you include the Falklands, Bermuda and other bits and bobs.

Perhaps cheaper just to wall all the other countries into their own patch and not let them out!

[Lost in Transportation]

Well we're paying the French consortium a shed load of money to build a nuclear power station

We're paying extortionate prices for energy coming out of that nuclear power station but the French and Chinese pay the start-up costs. The problem the French have is that this design hasn't yet worked anywhere in the world. So it might be some time before any British pounds flow their way.

[The Cincinnati Kid]

This election is actually the most fascinating and entertaining I have ever witnessed.
Especially when viewed from here in Ohio which is THE "must win" state for both candidates.

One thing I can say is that the press portrayal of Trump supporters as "under educated angry white people" is so far off base.
He does have a very broad base of support and I suspect he will carry this state.
The Democrats could have nominated almost ANY middle of the road non-controversial candidate and they would be strolling this election nationwide .....but instead they destined Billary (poor Bernie never had a chance) and made a contest for themselves they have every chance of losing....dear oh dear.
We shall see.

Got my ballot in the mail today.....stapled to dartboard......Jeeves!....fetch my darts and the blindfold!

[uspompeyfan]

This election is actually the most fascinating and entertaining I have ever witnessed.
Especially when viewed from here in Ohio which is THE "must win" state for both candidates.

One thing I can say is that the press portrayal of Trump supporters as "under educated angry white people" is so far off base.
He does have a very broad base of support and I suspect he will carry this state.
The Democrats could have nominated almost ANY middle of the road non-controversial candidate and they would be strolling this election nationwide .....but instead they destined Billary (poor Bernie never had a chance) and made a contest for themselves they have every chance of losing....dear oh dear.
We shall see.

Got my ballot in the mail today.....stapled to dartboard......Jeeves!....fetch my darts and the blindfold!

What about the rumor mill saying that if Trump wins, he will give it up a day after the swearing in ceremony and hand over the Presidency to Mike Pence. I still think that he would struggle to walk away from his companies if he won. Luckily I will be at a company convention that night so won't know what happens till I wake up.

[past memories]

You go to a convention to sleep ? Sounds familiar I suppose.

[uspompeyfan]

You go to a convention to sleep ? Sounds familiar I suppose.

LOL, I walked into that one..... There is a soft 'ice-breaker' on Tuesday night as many people will have an eye on the elections, so the brand are mindful of that. With it being held in Orlando and the election not known till West Coast results come in three hours behind East Coast time, I will hopefully be asleep at a reasonable hour as my Wednesday will start at 6.30 am